Most days I can pretend things are great, other days when I look at what I’ve done and what I’ve said, I come to the realization that I’m really not fine. One of my friends, J, came over today with her kids and while the kids were busy swimming (more under than above water) we sat and chatted.
Here is the back story:
About two weeks ago another friend of ours had posted a picture of us and 2 other women laughing, we all had wine glasses in our hands and I was laughing so hard, you could tell I was having a great time. This might not be a big deal for most people, but to be honest that is one of the few times in the last year that I have laughed, and the only time in the last year that I’ve had a hardy belly laugh! It was such a great night!!! My stomach hurt day after from laughing so much! Anyway, since I’m from Sweden originally, and so is my ex, his sister had posted a comment on the picture. It was done in Swedish so my friends here had not known what it said. Here is the translation: “oh oh Maria a few too many drinks hug♥”. I don’t know how she meant it… I took it badly, like she’s belittling me, we haven’t had any contact since her brother moved out in September last year…
So, back to today, J and I were talking and she agreed that it sounded like a jab at me. I told her that I have been thinking, I would love to find a great looking guy to pose in a picture with me, one of my friends should post on Facebook, tag me, and sort of rub her nose and my ex’s nose in it. Would be so much fun, etc etc…
Now, hours later, by myself thinking about it, it would hurt nobody except me. Any I would get so many questions from other people, who is this, are you dating again, and so on and so on. With my luck, it would probably come out that it was a staged picture and I would feel even worse. And everyone would know that I’m feeling horrible enough to do something that desperate.
What it did show me was that I’m not OK. I’m still not over this at all. If I’m trying to make my ex jealous, to make him hurt as much as I hurt, I really, really need to look inside myself. Find some way to climb out of this emotional hole that I’m in right now.
This is what I will do tonight:
1) Instead of looking at my ex sister-in-law’s comment as a jab I will look at it as she is trying to reconnect, she doesn’t know how to do it and this was an attempt at being funny.
2) I’m going to txt J not to find a good-looking guy to pose with me.
3) And last but not least I’m going to have a big glass of wine!