Alone but Strong

Single mother of two beautiful girls trying to rebuild my life. One day at a time.

Do I Dare Look Too Closely at My Life?

In my previous post I talked about figuring out what I like and what I don’t like. The problem was that the questions that started to pop up in my head were scary:
Do I want to live in a big house?
Do I like having a garden?
Am I cut out to be a mother?
Why did I get a cat?
How did I end up here?

Horrible questions and I don’t know if I can allow myself to try to answer them. I think that some things I don’t have the luxury of looking to closely at right now. I’m going to have to accept that this is where I’m at, no matter how I got here, if this is what I wanted or not, the facts remain the same. I’m here. In the middle of suburbia, a stay-at-home mother of two children, with a big house and big yard. And I better suck it up!  The pity party has to stop now, I’m not doing myself any favors today! What started out as “what kind of cookies do I like” took a very scary detour but I can’t be asking some of the other questions right now.

Some more practical details need answering instead:
When do I go back to work?
What shall I work with?
These are things that need answering within the next year or so! And what better time than now to try to figure that part of my life out instead of contemplate things that I really can’t change even if secretly I would love too…

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2 Comments

  1. For me in the initial period it was the little things I could change (like the food I could eat and the music I could play) that I focussed on and it made me feel better that I was doing things MY way. I tended to push the bigger issues aside as I could not cope with them. This was a self-preservation technique I think as I could only cope with one emotional upheaval at a time. Him leaving was enough to cope with in the beginning and learning to live on my own. The thoughts of the financial impact (and the huge adjustment that would be required to my way of life) came later. I then fell into a hole for a bit and became quite stressed about it. However, the only way to get through it is allowing it all to come to the surface, facing it and then dealing with it. It all has to be faced in the end if it is to be improved. But only as you are able to cope with it. I am not quite there yet myself but I am slowly facing what needs to be faced and I am slowly making progress – one baby step at a time.

    • I think that’s very true, for now, I can’t handle all the big questions about my life. And I can feel myself getting really worried about my financial future, I’ve cut back on everything and with what I get from him I’m surviving, but there really is not much extra left over each month. So reality of that is what I’m going to have to work on first. It’s so good to hear that I’m not alone in feeling this way, since none of my friends are divorced it’s so hard for them to understand what I’m going through. Thank you!

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