Trying to Figure Out What I Like
Yesterday I had my youngest daughter’s birthday party at the house. As I was baking the cupcakes in the morning I also wanted to make some cookies. So I went into my pantry and looked at what I had. A friend of mine has recently moved back to Sweden so she gave me what she had left in her pantry and one of the things was a bag of Coconut Flakes. When she first gave it to me my only thought was, what am I going to do with this??? Maybe I’ll donate it to the food pantry, I put it on a shelf and moved on to unpacking the rest of her things. That reason for this thought I realized yesterday is that my ex hated coconut flakes so I never baked or cooked with them. Yesterday I stood there holding the bag for a while, thinking about what I could make with them and then went online to find a recipe of a cookie that my mom used to make when I was little. And wouldn’t you know, I loved them, I ate about 10 of them warm right out of the oven (luckily I had double the recipe so there were plenty for the party anyway).
Isn’t it funny how I’ve trained myself to feel the way he feels about things, or maybe more sad than funny… I guess that is what happens when you are very young and get into a long-term relationship. I was 20, I had lived for 1.5 years in a dorm before moving in with him, so never really lived by myself. Never had a chance to figure out who I really was until I was part of an us. He is also 4.5 years older than me, thinking back, that makes a huge difference, he was already done with his master’s degree, he was working, living alone for a long time by the time I moved in.
This leads me to wonder, what else do I like, what don’t I like? What have I made myself do or eat or think because he felt that way? One thing that comes to mind as obvious is pork, he didn’t like the smell of it when it’s being cooked… But he ate pulled pork, ham, bacon… And I remember telling people that I don’t like pork, that I don’t like the way it smells… I’m going to search for a recipe today and next time I’m in the grocery store, pork will be on the list.
This all reminds me of the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere where Julia’s character likes her eggs the way her boyfriend at the time likes them. She at least only had that, who knows how many things I do or eat that is only because of his influence? I guess that is why one of the most common advice that I see for people who has gone through a divorce is to try new things. Step out of your box, your comfort zone, because who knows why you don’t do these things. If you had picked a different partner these things might be what you would have been doing all along.
So I guess I’m going to start second guessing every impulse from now on, try to see if I can determine who the real me is. What she likes, what she wants to do with the rest of her life. Doing the work that you’re suppose to do in your 20s, but with 2 young girls and a house and a cat…