I’ve come to the realization that I’m still very angry. I’ve spent this weekend trying to figure out why I’m angry and at what, at who? Is it the ex? Is it myself? Is it the situation? But I needed to figure this out, because I’ve started taking it out on the kids… And that definitely makes me angry at myself.
My oldest daughter is so much like her daddy. And she’s always been a daddy’s girl. This divorce has been very hard on her, she misses him more than she knows how to express and that makes her angry. So I find myself arguing with her, she’s six! If you would have known me before this all happened, I never yelled, I was even-tempered. Maybe I was suppressing everything, pretending that everything was fine to keep up appearances that I lived a happy life. I don’t know and it doesn’t really matter. All that matters is that now, every little thing sets me of, and I explode. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. Yelling at little girls who are hurting as much as I am or more. I need to find a way to break this cycle of angry that is going on right now in this house.
After a lot of thinking, I come to the conclusion that the reason I’m angry is because I’m afraid! Afraid of having to do this on my own. Not being a good mother. Not being able to survive financially. My biggest fear before agreeing to become a mother was that he would leave me and I would be left a single mother. I even told him that several times… So, somehow I made my biggest fear come true… Putting it out into the universe, I made it a reality. So now that my old biggest fear has come true, I’m know that I need to stop being afraid of raising my daughters alone, stop worrying about money, otherwise I will make those fears come true as well.