Alone but Strong

Single mother of two beautiful girls trying to rebuild my life. One day at a time.

Angry

I’ve come to the realization that I’m still very angry. I’ve spent this weekend trying to figure out why I’m angry and at what, at who? Is it the ex? Is it myself? Is it the situation? But I needed to figure this out, because I’ve started taking it out on the kids… And that definitely makes me angry at myself.

My oldest daughter is so much like her daddy. And she’s always been a daddy’s girl. This divorce has been very hard on her, she misses him more than she knows how to express and that makes her angry. So I find myself arguing with her, she’s six! If you would have known me before this all happened, I never yelled, I was even-tempered. Maybe I was suppressing everything, pretending that everything was fine to keep up appearances that I lived a happy life. I don’t know and it doesn’t really matter. All that matters is that now, every little thing sets me of, and I explode. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. Yelling at little girls who are hurting as much as I am or more. I need to find a way to break this cycle of angry that is going on right now in this house.

After a lot of thinking, I come to the conclusion that the reason I’m angry is because I’m afraid! Afraid of having to do this on my own. Not being a good mother. Not being able to survive financially. My biggest fear before agreeing to become a mother was that he would leave me and I would be left a single mother. I even told him that several times… So, somehow I made my biggest fear come true… Putting it out into the universe, I made it a reality. So now that my old biggest fear has come true, I’m know that I need to stop being afraid of raising my daughters alone, stop worrying about money, otherwise I will make those fears come true as well.

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9 Comments

  1. There is strength to be found in facing your biggest fears and surviving. Let that strength bring you the peace that can soften the anger. Wish you and your kiddos the best:)

    • I started by talking to the girls about it when they came home yesterday from spending the weekend with their dad. And I promised to try and do better and I apologized for my behavior. It’s a start.

  2. You are still that even-tempered person. It is the situation that has changed, not you. Never forget that. Don’t let the situation change the wonderful person you are inside.
    It is OK to feel anger. It is the translating of that feeling into actions – or not – that defines you. You could direct the anger into vengeful actions. OR Instead (after a deep breath) you could direct the energy of the anger into a positive response. Harder but SO empowering! And it is amazing what you can do when the energy is put to good use!

    • You are so right, I’m still that person underneath all of the anger. I’ve turned the energy into soul searching this week 🙂 It’s been a really good! Thank you!

  3. You are definitely not alone in feeling that way. I was so angry, although it seems to have tapered off now, it was starting to affect my relationship with my kids. Anger and fear do run together, but don’t forget that disappointment and anger do too. I feared being a single mom and am now exceedingly angry and disappointed that my EX made it so that I had to divorce him. I hope you aren’t feeling anger at yourself. That’s what I did for the longest time. I think being angry at myself was harder to let go than my anger at him.
    Best wishes! 🙂 This too shall pass.

    • Thank you! I have to say, writing about it helped. We’ve had a really good week.

  4. You have taken important steps by communicating with the children about your feelings and admitting you were wrong was a big step! I think it helped me to go to a counselor and she suggested this lovely group that had the children go off with a very qualified group leader. They would make pictures, talk, play with puppets, had a dollhouse that had a family next door to another dollhouse. I was a single mother the first time with 3 children,
    ages 5, 3 and 1 years old!! Yikes! I ended up quitting teaching, babysitting for professional families for 9 years. My kids were grateful for the “milk and cookies mom” that I became! But this is not always the solution that is possible, just telling you that I made it that long before marrying again. (Sadly, if you really look at my blog, I never got it right.) Sorry, married 3 x and now, just dating! No marriages!

    • To be honest, it’s gotten so much better! Writing about it and talking to them about it helped so much. That is the reason I started this blog, to help me sort out my life.

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