Alone but Strong

Single mother of two beautiful girls trying to rebuild my life. One day at a time.

Update

Almost two months ago I posted about my goal of running a 10k under 50 min. Well, I did run it two weeks ago but I didn’t make it under 50 min… I’m still very happy, my result was 51 min 22 sec. Neither of my two friends that were going to do it with me even ran it. One of them had a family thing come up and the other one didn’t think she could finish since it was very hilly. I’m very happy that I did it, I probably should have set a more realistic goal, but sticking with it even when they backed out is good enough for me! I set out to do something and I did it.

One of the realizations I’ve had this past week is that I’ve had a really hard time starting anything or following through. I feel like I’ve been in a coma since my daughters were born. I procrastinate, even things that I want to do. I really am a very energetic person who takes on things, get things done, very organized, love handling many things at once, but for some reason being a stay-at-home mom changed that person into something that I don’t even recognize. I lost myself.

I’ve soul-searching this past week, trying to decide what kind of job I would like to go back to. Do I want a career or just a 9 to 5 thing? Or something in between? How will I be able to juggle two children and a job? I don’t know the answers yet, but I do know that people do it all the time. And one thing that stands out, I want to make myself a good role model for my daughters!!! How can I tell them that studying and working hard in school is important if I waste my education not working? I’m not saying that being a stay-at-home mom is not a very hard job, but I definitely don’t need a Master of Science in Applied Physics and Electrical Engineering to do it (which is the degree that I have)… And the girl who worked her tail off to get that degree definitely did not plan on staying out of the workforce for this long.

But, the woman who decided to have two children with her husband had a plan that now needs to be modified. I think one of the things that sent me into the biggest shock in our divorce proceedings is that he kept lying about what the plan had been. He kept insisting things that I knew were not true and kept saying that I needed to get a real job and we should put the girls in daycare. Luckily I had the strength last Fall to fight for my daughters and insist that I get to stay home with them at least for the transition period to make it easier on them.

Now it doesn’t matter what the plan used to be, I can rewrite it to be whatever I want. I do feel a little vindicated this past week because now his tune has changed back to the plan, we should get a nanny to pick the girls after school so that they wouldn’t have to go to the school run daycare, that would allow them to be home, get homework done, play outside, have playdates, activities etc before a parent comes home. The only issue with this is, I don’t know how we can afford that, I’m glad he feels he can. I’m willing to discuss it, but it feels very hard for me to believe that I can get a job, let alone one that would support it. Especially considering that the only company I’ve worked for in this country is the company he and his girlfriend works for… Going back there is no longer an option for me (also part of the original plan that now needs to be changed).

So, I have much more thinking on the subject to do. But I feel more energized, I can feel myself returning!

 

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2 Comments

  1. You will figure this out and time will pass, meanwhile, taking it either one hour at a time, or other increments work. I am proud of your goals and your trying so hard! Your running at that time of 51 minutes was amazing and you will be successful with other goals, too!

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