Alone but Strong

Single mother of two beautiful girls trying to rebuild my life. One day at a time.

Dreams

I’ve been waking up lately from nightmares. Unfortunately I can’t remember my dreams, I’m just uneasy and have a hard time to fall back asleep. So I figure there is something going on that my mind feels I need to work through. There is a list of things that it could be.

First up: It could very well be that I had a date. Here is an update on it, it was fun but no sparks. Also he is too old for me. I knew that he was older but I was thinking early 50 (I’m 38) and I would be ok with that. Turns out he’s in his mid 60s… I wouldn’t mind spending time, as a friend, with him and I did tell him that in an e-mail after the date. He had texted me and said that he wanted to see me again so I felt I wanted to be honest and not lead him on. No more playing along, trying to not hurt other people’s feelings, I think that is one of the decisions I’ve taken  about dating. It would be so easy for me to “make it work” with the first person that pays me any attention and I think that is why dating seems so scary to me. My “do anything to please” personality is something that I’m trying to work on.

Second scary thing coming up: Taxes! I know, I’m supposed to file quarterly taxes on my alimony but I haven’t. I have put money away so I have enough to pay them but it’s very scary to not know how much I owe. I’ve always been such a planner and this not knowing how much I have to live on each month is really hard. Since I get a percentage of his bonus and his bonus is never a fixed amount I never have an idea of how much I’ll have…

Third thing: In about 3 months I’m supposed to sit down with my ex and see if we should change the parenting agreement so that he gets them 50% of the time… That is what he wanted from the beginning and I was able to push it out 1.5 years. This goes hand in hand with me going back to work which is also scary. From a purely selfish standpoint, it would be so much easier for me to let him have 50% and I could get a job that involves travel and overtime and a social life. But I’m not convinced that it’s the best thing for them. How do I know what is best for them? At 5 and 6 is there even a point of asking them? Or is that more damaging than making a decision and only informing them, if there is to be a change. And how long will it take me to find a job? I’ve been out of the job market for almost 7 years now.

So, there are a number of things that could be keeping my mind racing at night.

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5 Comments

  1. These are hard decisions. When I feel overwhelmed I have found it best to break down the problems into manageable chunks. You have made a start on that by dividing the problems up into three. The first one, you can file away as experience and retrieve when needed. The second one, it is best just to get in, tackle the paperwork, know your position and work out a proper budget. You will feel better after you have done it.

    With the first two issues dealt with, that will then leave you more emotional reserve to look at the third and hardest hurdle. My heart goes out to you in this decision on your children. My instincts are that children need a firm base, a safe haven, a place they can call home. My instincts would be to stand for much more than 50%. However, only you can be the best judge of what is best for your own children.

  2. I feel bad for you with so much on your plate. I think you are strong, you have the right place to vent (here), and sometimes just starting a simple thought before you go to sleep may help. Mainly, what would you do if you were with your family on an island? Or pretending you are lying on a beach, warm sand and counting clouds. I make up a little sequence every night to get the worries out of my mind. Hope you can find something that works!

  3. I reread about your date and am sorry abut the reply above. You can delete it, you mention the man’s age, I agree! Too old for you, vibrant and 38! You will find someone who can be a caring male friend, you may meet a man to date, but you are so smart, taking your time!

    • No worries, I deleted it now 🙂

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