Alone but Strong

Single mother of two beautiful girls trying to rebuild my life. One day at a time.

When Will I Learn?

When will I learn to not engage my ex? I did the mistake this Sunday, I called him because he had not answered an email with a question regarding Monday. And somehow it turned into a fight. I was trying to explain that I don’t trust him because he did lie and cheat on me for a long time. And it ended up with him telling me that part of the reason that we are not together anymore is that I was trying to control everything that he did, that my opinion was the only one that mattered and that I was purposely trying to make his life miserably. I calmly said, we have nothing more to discuss, good-bye and hung up the phone. He called back and left a message on the machine rambling on about the same things.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m to most non-confrontational person, I always give in, he was always the one making decisions and talking me into it. Why would I have tried to make him miserable? I loved him, I did everything for him. The crazy part in all of this is that during our divorce he told me that I was too nice, I made it to easy for him to cheat, I trusted him to much. How does these two versions of reality add up? They don’t! I need to learn to not talk to him. Not try to make him understand my point of view because if it differs from what he thinks, I’m the one trying to decide everything and I’m not listening to anyone else. Not that I understand how trying to explain that I don’t trust him is an opinion that I have. I see it as truth. He lied to me therefore I don’t trust him. That is not up for discussion.

I’ve always felt that it’s the opposite, but that is my opinion and I understand if he does not see it that way. Here is a typical example of where he made a decision without any input from me, concerning our daughters. Friday he sends me an email stating that his relationship with C (the woman he had an affair with) had actually been over since August, they had only been together on and off after that. But now he had a new woman, E, in his life and it was getting so serious that he felt it was time for the girls to meet her. They would meet her sometime during the upcoming weekend. I wrote back, questioning why? Isn’t it too soon? I checked Facebook and he had added E as a friend sometime in January… He had no interest in hearing my concerns and it turns out they had already planned the meeting for Saturday.

Anyway I’m not going to let him ruin the good place I’m in right now. It doesn’t really matter what excuse he uses for wanting out of our marriage. I have to remember that what he thinks is not what I have to think anymore, because I’m free! I am allowed to have my own opinions, my own views of things, he does not control that anymore.

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5 Comments

  1. I too have been blamed for both ‘trying to control’ and yet ‘being too trusting’. You are correct to ask; how do these add up? They don’t. At that point you realise that the issue has never ever been about you, the issue is with them. At that point you can move on.

    • I’m almost at that point, but it still hurts hearing that he feels like I’m to blame. It’s interesting that we have such similar situations living on opposite sides of the earth.

  2. This is a daily thing between my ex and me. I’m just now learning not to reach out to him unless the world will end if I don’t. It never ends with anything good, and he has a way of shifting all the crappy things he’s done on to me. He needs to bite my butt.

    • I’m sorry you have to go through the same thing. Can’t they just leave us alone? All about control I guess, that is how they feel powerful, by putting us down… Thanks for reading!

      • I wish I could blame it all on him, but I have been just as bad about thinking if I just have this one last conversation with him, he’ll suddenly see all he has done and be sorry. It’s a fool’s game, and it never happens, but it has taken me time to accept that he’s gone. This new version isn’t worth the tears, and I’m getting a little better at ignoring him. I’m sorry there are so many people going through this!

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