Alone but Strong

Single mother of two beautiful girls trying to rebuild my life. One day at a time.

My Insecurities Are Back In Full Force

I don’t know why but I’m feeling very blue today. I feel un-lovable and lonely. I understand why my ex desperately jumps from relationship to relationship and can’t wait to introduce the girls to the new woman so that he doesn’t have to be alone.

Me and the girls had a rough weekend, my oldest does not understand why she can’t spend the whole day watching TV or playing on the computer, she’s 6. I try to limit it and make them play, by themselves. I feel like it’s very important for children to use their imagination, to be bored and do something about it without turning on something that does it for them. Of course she then retaliate and wants to go live with daddy and I’m mean and she hates me etc. So I’m worried, am I doing the right thing, or am I messing up our relationship? She is so much like her father that it’s hard for me sometimes, she is so stubborn, she thinks that she is always right and tries to correct everything that I say, like he used to do. And I know I’ve been a pushover sometimes with her, because it’s easier in the short-term but it’s getting out of control so I put my foot down this weekend and it was very emotionally draining.

I woke up today and read that two wonderful bloggers, wanderlustryramblings and witlessdatingafterfifty, has nominated me for two awards. You would think that that would make me happy but here is where my insecurities come back. I don’t feel at all worth of any kind of award, I write to try to stay sane, I’m happy if someone reads it but to be honest most of my posts are badly written, writing has never been my strong suit. So I’m going to break the chain and not follow the rules, I will tell you 6 things that you don’t know about me, but I won’t post any pictures of the awards or name any other bloggers, I hope you don’t mind.

1. I have a Master’s degree in Applied Physics.
2. I was born and raised in Sweden, but I absolutely hate cold weather and snow, please don’t ask me to go skiing.
3. I’m very sarcastic.
4. I live in a very big house and I hate it. I would love to live in a small cottage somewhere warm.
5. I really don’t like shopping, I’m very frugal to the point where it gets ridiculous.
6. I’ve worked as a software developer and I really liked it, I’m hoping to get back to work this Fall.

I think another reason my insecurities came back is that this weekend I was thinking back on my relationship with my ex. If I’m honest with myself I think the main reason that I even started the relationship was because he paid any attention to me. I’ve never dated much, I was the smart girl, not the one you asked out. I’ve always had lots of guy friends, but nobody ever really wanted more. I was very shy and I’m still working on that. I saw potential in my ex, but I had, from the beginning, lots of thoughts of getting out of the relationship but I was worried that this was my one and only chance… But I did get two beautiful girls out of the relationship so I can’t say that I regret it. Deep down, I’m still that insecure little girl who wants to find love! And maybe this time it’ll be with someone who gives me butterflies in my stomach and makes me happy!

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6 Comments

  1. You are allowed to be sad and down. You have a lot on your plate! I used to invent things to get the play started and then back out of it, so my kids could play independently. Things like getting fabric and cardboard and making a design out of cut fabric, then leaving them with extras like sequins, buttons, etc. If you don’t like that, a big tent, little treats, tea set…or getting a game out and playing once or twice. Not sure if you would feel up to it, but definitely limiting time on t.v. but putting on a movie, popcorn and snacks, licorice, always made me feel better as a reward for no television for 4-6 hours. Like an end of the free play reward. You are welcome to take the award and we appreciate your sharing the details you did!

    • Thanks for all the tips! I think the hardest thing is that their dad lets them spend their entire weekend watching TV or playing on their iPads when they are with him. Did I forget to mention that he bought them one each for Christmas, they are 5 and 6… So that they wouldn’t use his… It makes it so much harder for me to then, as always, be the bad one in their eyes, not letting them do whatever they want. I’m hoping they will come to realize that it’s all with their own best interest at heart.

      • You are doing the right things! Not sure why the Moms have to be the rule makers but generally speaking once single Dads are more lenient! We have to be there on the war front, so to speak! A long time ago, I had to be this tough with my 3 little ones. I was single while they were 1, 3 and 5. I ended up being a child care provider but felt so close to the 3 families (5 kids + mine; they all fit in my old 3 seat station wagon!) I had them in swimming, jazz, gymnastics, and other activities. So, it IS Possible!! I am so blessed because all 3 kids and 6 grandkids (2 step-grands in that mix) all live here not in Cincy. nor Dayton! Your rules will make a difference and at school (and in the future- work) they have rules! My favorite line was, “I have to follow rules, too. On the road, at church, etc.) Hang in there!

  2. Hello. i think when we have had a relationship break-up, then whenever we have that ache inside of us, we assume that it is a pining for a partner, for that ‘soul-mate’. Sometimes it isn’t.
    Sometimes the ache is something deeper, either a loss of purpose, or a loss of identity, or a loss of intellectual stimulation.
    Sometimes when we are at home as the nurterers we get that ache, even when we are happily married with beautiful children, because even though the who we are as mothers (or wives) is being satisfied; the who we are as intellectuals may not be.
    I went through this very same thing many years ago when I was at home with my children, even though at the time I was happily married. The ache inside was intense at times and I did not know what the ache was until I read about it.
    In the end I did a post graduate degree by correspondence because the need for intellectual stimulation and making a difference in the world was so strong inside me. For that ‘need’ to not be satisfied, it was making me unable to be fully happy and thereby not give myself fully to my children. Once I was engaged in my studies which amounted to about 4-5 hours a week (‘me’ time) I was 100% engaged as a mother for the other 163 hours a week. The cloud lifted, the ache healed.
    Another thing that I have read about healing from break-ups is to have an ultimate goal of defining yourself by a greater purpose in life than the relationship. In other words seeing yourself as a doctor, or physicist, or writer, or politician or whatever; rather than ‘the partner of so-and-so’.

    • I think you are right! I keep feeling unsatisfied being home. That is why I need to get back to work this Fall. I need to be challenged mentally about something other than what a 6 year old is not allowed to wear to school… I loved working! And I miss being around grown ups discussing things other than children. I love my mommy friends but it’s not the same as being respected and asked about things because you know something that nobody else does. As I know I’ve said in another post, I miss me! You nailed it!

      • I hope that you do get back into it. Onwards and upwards. Good luck đŸ™‚

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