My Insecurities Are Back In Full Force
I don’t know why but I’m feeling very blue today. I feel un-lovable and lonely. I understand why my ex desperately jumps from relationship to relationship and can’t wait to introduce the girls to the new woman so that he doesn’t have to be alone.
Me and the girls had a rough weekend, my oldest does not understand why she can’t spend the whole day watching TV or playing on the computer, she’s 6. I try to limit it and make them play, by themselves. I feel like it’s very important for children to use their imagination, to be bored and do something about it without turning on something that does it for them. Of course she then retaliate and wants to go live with daddy and I’m mean and she hates me etc. So I’m worried, am I doing the right thing, or am I messing up our relationship? She is so much like her father that it’s hard for me sometimes, she is so stubborn, she thinks that she is always right and tries to correct everything that I say, like he used to do. And I know I’ve been a pushover sometimes with her, because it’s easier in the short-term but it’s getting out of control so I put my foot down this weekend and it was very emotionally draining.
I woke up today and read that two wonderful bloggers, wanderlustryramblings and witlessdatingafterfifty, has nominated me for two awards. You would think that that would make me happy but here is where my insecurities come back. I don’t feel at all worth of any kind of award, I write to try to stay sane, I’m happy if someone reads it but to be honest most of my posts are badly written, writing has never been my strong suit. So I’m going to break the chain and not follow the rules, I will tell you 6 things that you don’t know about me, but I won’t post any pictures of the awards or name any other bloggers, I hope you don’t mind.
1. I have a Master’s degree in Applied Physics.
2. I was born and raised in Sweden, but I absolutely hate cold weather and snow, please don’t ask me to go skiing.
3. I’m very sarcastic.
4. I live in a very big house and I hate it. I would love to live in a small cottage somewhere warm.
5. I really don’t like shopping, I’m very frugal to the point where it gets ridiculous.
6. I’ve worked as a software developer and I really liked it, I’m hoping to get back to work this Fall.
I think another reason my insecurities came back is that this weekend I was thinking back on my relationship with my ex. If I’m honest with myself I think the main reason that I even started the relationship was because he paid any attention to me. I’ve never dated much, I was the smart girl, not the one you asked out. I’ve always had lots of guy friends, but nobody ever really wanted more. I was very shy and I’m still working on that. I saw potential in my ex, but I had, from the beginning, lots of thoughts of getting out of the relationship but I was worried that this was my one and only chance… But I did get two beautiful girls out of the relationship so I can’t say that I regret it. Deep down, I’m still that insecure little girl who wants to find love! And maybe this time it’ll be with someone who gives me butterflies in my stomach and makes me happy!