Alone but Strong

Single mother of two beautiful girls trying to rebuild my life. One day at a time.

Too Good…

Yes, I think my ex thought things were going to good for me. I’ve been very quiet these past 2 weeks because I don’t know if he is monitoring my blog, I don’t think so, I don’t think he would ever suspect me of writing one, but if he does I didn’t want to risk upsetting things more… This is going to be a long one, go get a snack, a coffee or maybe wine, and stick with me here.

On Monday June 10 when I went to drop off the girls, he sends them inside and wants to talk to me. Never a good sign. He starts saying/accusing me of lots of things so I yell goodbye to the girls and run to my car and drive off. Later that evening he sends me this email:
“To follow-up on our conversation today. I feel that we have reached a state where it will be extremely difficult to work collaboratively with good and open communication and trust. I feel that I have been very flexible and accommodating for a long time, in the best interest of the children.

Recently, you have contacted my mother and sister without communicating with me. My mother was invited to come stay with you and your parents without any communication with me. You have blocked me on facebook. You have not informed me of the children’s doctor and dentist appointments.

I continue to hear gossip at work, stemming from events transpired between you and me. This makes it more difficult to do my job, and has a negative impact to my name and professional image.

These are events that to me appear contrary to open communication and collaboration.

I don’t feel that we are able to have a collaborative and trusting, communicative relationship. I want to reinforce that the current separation agreement is what our parenting schedule is and continue to be based on. We had some prior discussions about modification, however I do not feel that what you proposed is in the best interest of me or the children. I am open to seeking and mediating a new agreement in line with the spirit of the original agreement on a more equal parenting time, and can find a mediator unless you would prefer to do that. If you chose not to mediate, then what is currently in the separation agreement would continue to provide the basis for the parenting schedule.

Further more, unless there is a written agreement where my cost for the before and after school programs for the children is covered financially I can’t agree to it.

Lastly, pursuant to my notice on May 29th, my new home address is xxx. Understanding that the agreement gives a 45 day grace period before it is in effect, it would mean that from July 13th, the drop off location changes to the new address.

Kind Regards,
xxx”

So lets look at the things I’m accused of:
1) Contacting his mother and his sister. I did contact his mother to see if she wanted to see her grand children since it’s been 6 months. I did not know that was not allowed. I did not contact his sister, she contacted me.
2) I defriended and blocked him on Facebook. Yes. True. I find no joy reading about his life, so I see no reason for us to be friends on there. And by blocking him, I don’t have to see comments that he makes on mutual friends posts, it’s like he doesn’t exist.
3) Not telling him about doctors and dentists appointments. Not true. I did tell him about the doctor appointment, I admit only 4 days in advance, but he’s never gone to them before so I didn’t see a problem with that. Dentist… I kind of forgot because they did not send me a reminder… So he was the last one to take them to an appointment that I had made. I’m not going to mention that to him, I didn’t want to give him any more bad things about me.
4) People are talking about him at work. I don’t know if it comes from my friends who still work at the same company or from his ex mistress whom he spends most days arguing with according to my friends. I will be more careful and limit my time with them just to be on the safe side to not put them in the middle. I would hate for him to get vindictive and try to have them fired.

So because of these things, everything we spent the Spring coming to an agreement on is off and we are back to the original divorce agreement. Plus he wants it in writing that he doesn’t have to pay anything for the before and after care for the girls in the Fall. These two things are in contradiction to each other. He wants us to follow the current divorce agreement and in that it clearly states that we have to pay half of the cost each.

And, did I forget to mention that he had still not signed and notarized the Letter of Consent for me to travel to Sweden with our daughters. We leave on June 25 is the plan. So I’ve been concentrating these last 1.5 weeks on trying to come to an agreement on what was going to happen for the Summer. Since if we are to go back to the divorce agreement I can’t take them for 3 weeks and he can’t take the 1.5 weeks and go to a wedding in Montana that he wants to do. In one of his other e-mails he writes:
“Without the flexibility of extending a couple of weekends this summer and having the previously indicated weekend open for travel I just don’t see how I can agree to you having them for three weeks straight. The agreement clearly defines two weeks as well as pickup/drop off. That leaves you in a situation of letting me know what two weeks you would like to spend with them for vacation in Sweden and lets make sure it is in compliance with the agreement. Until we have settled this, I won’t be signing a consent to travel letter.”

So I decided to play hard ball and told him that I understand that I won’t be going to Sweden if we can’t come to an agreement, but he won’t be going anywhere either! And lo and behold, I got an e-mail on Tuesday June 18 where he agreed to the compromise that I had put forth on June 16 which was back to exactly the way the Summer schedule was before this whole mess, including me dropping the girls off at his office, saving me, with traffic, at least an 1.5 hours.

So today, on Thursday June 20, he finally signed the Consent to Travel letter infront of a notary and I have it!

We will have to go back to a mediator and try to sort the Fall and day care and the rest of it out once we come back from Sweden. The one thing that I apparently needed to learn from this experience, which I should have learned during our marriage and divorce, is that his word means absolutely nothing. Not even if he puts it in writing in an email. If he gets mad, he will go back on his word and start threatening me again. And anything can make him mad. I am tired of being accused of being difficult to co-parent with, when I’ve always given in when he wants to change things. But if that is the way he want it then from now on I will be difficult and I will demand that everything that we agree on is signed and notarized. If there are major changes, the documentation should be done by a mediator/lawyer and submitted to court. I will never make this mistake again!

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12 Comments

  1. Latoya Whittington-Bouldin

    Why are they so bitter after divorce.. It saddens me because you have to have been friends to marry in the first place… Smh.. I know the feeling

    • And especially since he’s the one that so desperatly wanted out of the marriage! He’s just moved in with his new girlfriend, he should be happy and not bothering me!!!!

      • Latoya Whittington-Bouldin

        lol sounds exactly like me story. I guess he isn’t truly happy

  2. I am fortunate that my children are grown so that I do not have co-parenting issues. Even-so, I can relate to being accused of not being ‘trusting’ and ‘communicative’.
    It is painful being accused of that when you know that you are a trustful respectful person.
    I have learned to stand aside from the emotions of the situation and from his reactions (which I am not responsible for) and do what is best for me and our adult children.
    I still remain fair and respectful to him, but I have learned to stand up for me.

    • All the e-mails I sent him were very free from emotions. I’ve learned that me showing feelings makes it 10 times worse, he feeds on it. Then I get to write about it to get my frustrations out! Good for you for learning to stand up for yourself, that’s how I felt this past weekend, I’m not going to take it anymore.

  3. My sympathies. I hope you have a great time in Sweden!

    • Thank you! I refuse to worry about it now. I’m going to have a wonderful vacation and deal with the Fall when I get back!!!

      • Very sensible!

  4. Definitely he senses a loss of control over you, he has been passive aggressive in the past, now he is just aggressive! You and he need to be able to talk and write nicely, he is the one lacking a sensible side. He should be happy, like you said, but somehow he is missing that part of him that allows him to let go. I am sad because this can be so hard on YOU and a little pressure on the kids. I hope all goes well with your trip, enjoy and make the most of those special moments together with your mother in law and girls. As you said, wait until mediation and somehow it will all work out, since it was a 50% prior payment agreement he surely won’t be allowed to back out of that! Take care! Enjoy! Peace be with you, along with safe travel mercies…

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  1. Ex In-laws Follow-Up | Alone but Strong
  2. Here We Go Again | Alone but Strong

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