Alone but Strong

Single mother of two beautiful girls trying to rebuild my life. One day at a time.

Calm

It’s been a little scary lately, my ex has been very nice and agreeable. If it was any other person I would be thrilled, but it makes me wonder what is he planning? What is his agenda?

One example, he’s let me drop the girls off at his office instead of his new house, saving me 1 h 10 min driving time. 1.5 months ago he was trying to come up with any excuse for me to have to drive to his house. That one can potentially be explained with that the last time I had to drive down to his house, his girlfriend was home and he hadn’t made it home yet. I’m sure she asked him after, why is your ex-wife driving all the way down here when she passes your office and that would be so much easier for her. Maybe that is why, he might try to keep up appearances for her, try to convince her that he is a nice guy. To be honest, that works in my favor.

No matter what the reason is, it’s been very calm here.

I’m still dating the man, S, that I met right before my Sweden trip. Things have been going well, I have a few reservations but I don’t know if I’m overreacting since I’m not really wanting to serious of a relationship or if they are red flags warning me that I should end it. One of the big ones is that he still is very involved with his ex because of them having 9 dogs together. Yes you read that right, 9! There is an explanation, not a great one in my opinion but an explanation, she is a vet and kept taking on more dogs. Still, that is a lot. He helps pay for their care but also takes care of them a lot. The days that she works, he works from home, their old home, where she and the dogs still live. Every Saturday and Sunday morning he takes them out to the dog park, a 3-4 hour deal. If she wants to spend the weekend away or the night away with friends or her boyfriend, he has to go take care of the dogs every 4 hours and he then also sleeps at her house. It is starting to bother me.

Another big one is money. He has a good job but claims to have no savings, only debt. He says that his ex-wife was very expensive… And yes, divorce is expensive too, it does drain money. But a 42-year-old man with a good job that only has a 401k no other savings is scary to me. I could never live like that. I’ve always been a saver.

I know I’m making him sound like a really bad match and I don’t mean to. What I like about him is that he is extremely nice and good to me. The sex is amazing. He compliments me, he cooks for me, he takes me out, he is fit, he is sweet, he is not afraid to show affection privately or in public, he takes care of me when I’m sick. So am I overreacting about my concerns, I don’t know. But it makes me hold back a little.

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8 Comments

  1. Someone that is nice and treats you well is more valuable than any money in the bank.

    • My hope is that he really is a nice guy.

  2. How long have you been together? I would consider the time he spends at his ex’s (especially sleeping over) a threat – he hasn’t totally severed ties to her. He still helps pay for the dogs that she took on but has no savings of his own? Something smells fishy here, and I only say that because I lived the very same thing. For awhile.

    The narc took care of his ex’s dog, stayed at her house on occasion, even went over there to do some cosmetic work that (he says) he promised to do before they divorced. He treated me well, the sex was great, I thought I had finally found a true Nice Guy who was able to have an amicable split and remain friends with his ex.

    The actual truth turned out to be that he was bullying her into selling the house so he could “get his investment back.” He had volunteered to take the dog on occasion (another point of control over her) and insisted that he have a key to her house so he would have access at all times, one time walking in on her when she was in the tub. Yeah. He told me that story and it made my skin crawl because there is no way I would be comfortable with an ex walking into my house and surprising me in the bathtub!

    It was years later that I found out some of the truth, and it was not at all the picture that he had painted for me. I was a chump, buying his lies until, well, I lost myself.

    Be careful. Very careful. If it’s a casual relationship you’re after, fine, no worries. But if you decide to commit to this guy, take a good look at what’s going on over at his ex’s, even talk to her if you can.

    And YOUR ex? He’s a dick. Don’t let your guard down because he’s planning his next move…

    • That is the scary part of the whole thing, I don’t know if I can trust S to be a genuinely nice guy. We have been seeing each other for 3 months now. I’ve met a lot of his friends and they all say that he is a nice guy. I met his best friend’s parents and his mom made a comment, when I insisted on getting something for him, to him that he should enjoy it since he never had that before. Which goes hand-in-hand with what he’s been telling me, he did everything for his ex and she never did anything. All his friends complain about the dogs too, that she is taking advantage of him still. But I don’t know what the whole truth is. I guess only time will tell and I will continue to be vigilant.

  3. Yeah, the Narc’s friends would all swear he’s a nice guy. They would all express amazement that I did nice things for him. They all had the same stories about how he never felt appreciated, how his wife took advantage, and on and on. The sad fact is that I only ever met the friends who were supportive of him. All the others disappeared from existence.

    At the very least he has an unnatural attachment to his ex. She may be taking advantage of him, but he’s letting her do it. OR it may just look like she’s the one taking advantage and he’s the one doing it.

    In the end, he’s in a complicated place that is not clear to you and maybe you don’t need that kind of ambiguity in your life. It’s been my experience that abusers muddy the waters in the beginning, causing you to see a situation in a favorable light and it turns out later to have been a pack of lies.

    If it don’t smell right, don’t eat it 🙂

  4. I would be interested where you got the information “he did everything for his ex and she never did anything”. Unless you have spoken to his ex-wife and have her side of the story, I would not necessarily believe what has been said about his past relationship by him or any of his friends. This may be me being a bit paranoid. However, the untruths some ex-husbands say about their wives to win over the next person is unbelievable. My gut instinct is to leave it two years after separation before becoming over-involved, a year to get over the loss, and a year for working out what you really want – for yourself.

    • I completely agree with being cautious about believing comments like she did nothing for him. I don’t believe for a second that that is true. We all say things about the ex that is exaggerated.

  5. I feel like he should have savings and a 401K, too. I am afraid I am not a very good example of this same thing, though. Maria, I took out several years of my teachers’ retirement fund, trying desperately to save our home and pay bills, while trying to save my job, waiting tables, teaching all day and going to school for my Master’s… I have hope, though, that someone will see that I am more than a ‘loser,’ and will believe that in the circumstances, my husband losing a job for almost 3 years, that I could not carry the weight any longer. I divorced him, took on 50% of the bills, and left our built from the ground up, hand painted walls and beautifully decorated home to live in a one bedroom apartment. I feel ‘rich’ in my gifts of three children and 6 grandchildren that believe my ‘yard’ is the lawn at our college, the bridges and creek walks, the flashlight and little gifts of my time, are more than enough to provide them with laughter and love. Now, if I could only find a man who believed this, too!!

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